oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
