I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you didnt know i had herpes?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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