Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
