I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
