I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
