Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
you never un-have a 4some
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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