Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
