my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Randomize
