I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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