Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
