Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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