I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
