I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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