i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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