Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
