i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
