Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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