If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Terrible idea I love it
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
