she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
