I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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