I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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