just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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