Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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