hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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