The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
