I accidentally burped into my bong.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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