thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
