I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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