I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
