when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
