ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
