my text book just quoted the cookie monster
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
