I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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