Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I can feel your judgement through the phone
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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