Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
