I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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