I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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