don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
