need another drink. this is the easiest way
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
