This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
