Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
