My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
