I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
