What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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