No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize