dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
