I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
