just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You need Xanax blowdarts
Someone came in the potted fern
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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