I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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