Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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