After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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