I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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