Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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