I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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