I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
