Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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