pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
