nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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