the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
